mholtum
12-06-2002, 1:45 PM
S.H.I.T Definitions
put s h i t in the blanks, I am too lazy to do it for you
Ghost ********
You feel the ******** come out, you have ******** on the toilet paper, but there's no ******** in the toilet.
Brown Snake ********
This ******** is so long it coils up into cute little circles. This is rare, enjoy.
Rainbow ********
The result of eating too many Skittles.
The ********-or-get-off-the-pot ********
This is where you ******** a little, but it feels like some more wants to come out, so you wait, and wait...Nothing comes out! So you start wiping your arse and as soon as you do, you suddenly feel like you're ready to ******** some more! so you wait and wait... This cycle can repeat itself indefinitely.
Stupid ********
******** that doesn't know how to come out.
Vanishing ********
You ******** but when you look, it's already gone down the toilet. Usually due to the toilet still running rather than the ********.
The Sample ********
Without exception, when your doctor requests a stool sample, you will produce the most foulest, vile, jet-black ******** you have ever shitted in your whole life. This ******** is so violate that plastic containers are at risk of rupturing.
Don't Give a ********: ********
The empty stool sample container that you give to your doctor. Because it just won't come out.
Black Hole ********
******** that comes out in a big black square, and you can swear that it is sucking the light out of the room.
The Mexican Food ********
That hot melting ******** that burns your hole so bad that you can't wipe with the paper, you have to pat it with cool wet pieces.
The Trekkie ********
Those ******** balls that exited but didn't hit the water yet, much like the USS Enterprise, they're stuck around Uranus like Klingons.
Klingon ********
The kind of ******** that won't let go of your arse after the first clump falls off. This kind of ******** makes you have to bounce up and down several times before it will fall off. Usually ends up sticking to other parts of your arse as well.
The Custom Cut ********
That long ****** thick log that doesn't purge out all the way and you can't push it out any further,, and you can't suck it back in, so you have to custom cut it to length! Then work on pushing out the second half.
Shy ********
******** that suddenly hides when someone comes through the door.
Hide and Seek ********
That really nice ******** that you were waiting to take a look at, but realized after you got up, you covered it with paper.
The Wanna Be ********
That kind of ******** you get out after long time and with no crap-cutting, then when you're finished it about 16 inches, then you say :"********, I wish that ******** was my ****!"
The Floater or Cork ********
The piece that floats back up after you have flushed everything else. What does it WANT?
The Heavy Backsplash ********
The kind of ******** that is so hard and heavy it makes a splash that comes up and wets your asshole before it has time to shut! Causes the "shrinking sphincter effect" if the water is very cold. You can't ******** anymore!
The Party Favour ********
Usually happens at someone else's home (usually a gathering of some sort) when you flush and it all comes to the top while you frantically look for a plunger (or something besides your hand) to help it on its way and avoid any embarrassment.
Steroid ********
The ******** so fat and long you have to take a broomstick to it to break it's back to get it round the s bend
The Crippling ********
A ******** so long and tedious your legs become numb from sitting on the toilet, and any attempts of rising from the it will cause you to ******** yourself again.
The Watery Eyes ********
The kinda ******** that stinks so bad you're afraid to let it out, and when you finally do it smells so rank you practically die. PS: Don't do these at home--save them for a friend's house!!!
The "Oh god not here-not now" or "The party ********"
A ******** so horrendously wretched or obnoxious, that when your at a crowded party you fear the guests will notice your vile anal reminiscence.
Beast ********
The kind of ******** which begins growling in your rectum.....peeks out of it's cave......and then attacks with a reckless abandon only seen on wild nature shows.
The "Good Morning Vietnam" ********
This ******** is so hot and wet that you could swear it must be the basis for Napalm. You decide to negotiate supply contracts with the military.
Yellow Submarine ********
This is when you have to pee first while sitting on the can and then hope that it won't be a backsplash ********, but it inevitably it is one of those tapered, high velocity shits that sends the nice warm pee water directly back to the black hole!... "your sphincter"... still open from the launch. The only chance you have to avoid this phenomenon is to have enough fore-site(intuition) and time to do a pre-flush before the actual drop so you get a fresh anal douche instead of the urine splash that you created!
The Three Coil Steamer ********
Self explanatory, a once in a lifetime, run and get the camera ********.
The Chilli ********
The ******** that burns your ****** so bad that you feel it eating away your rectum!
The "don't you dare flush ********"
This is the ******** you walk into a public dunny and see wrapped around the bowl, usually 14" or more long. Looking at it you realize the immense discipline it took not to pinch their arse cheeks while laying it. It is a rare occurance and admired by others.
The Pastey (sticky) ********
This is the type of ******** you have that comes out in a(creamy) pastey texture! Very similar to toothpaste in texture.It is so Pastey(sticky) that when you ******** the ******** does not even drop into the toilet! It just stays there stuck onto your ****** hair!
When you go to wipe your arse with a big wad of toilet paper (which you need)the ******** smears all over your arsehole in the direction that you wiped (very messy). You then realize that you must grab another big wad of toilet paper and waddle over to the sink to wet the paper so you can wipe your arse with a wet towel, once you do that you again must grab another big wad of paper and procced to wipe up the wet ******** leftovers on your hole with some dry paper!!
Chances are that you didn't quite get all the ******** off of your arse and at night when you take your pants off to go to bed, you will smell some funky ********!...You will then look a your jocks and discover a nice skid mark of ******** stained into them!!
Note: "take a shower right away!!" If you don't..and leave the crud on your bum for a couple of days...The ******** will attach, solidify and harden to your butt hairs..and will hurt when you try to pull the little chunks of ******** off of your butt hairs!! >>> If this happens..Take a shower and soften up the ******** under the shower..and slowly ease the ******** off of your butt hair...Doing this without feeling pain takes lots of experience and practice!!
Dinosaur ********
******** so dry and solid you swear it was passed down through generations until you broke the tradition.
Volcano ********
******** that starts as a low growl in your bowels and gives you just enough time to hit the can, often spewing out violently just prior to you hitting the bowl leaving a nice mess to clean up (usually caused by bad restaurant food).
The Teflon ********
You feel ******** come out, see ******** in the bowl, but no ******** on the toilet paper.
The Indelible ********
This ******** has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ****** repeatly (or until raw) and it still doesn't come clean. This ******** leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet and in your Jocks.
The Double Dump ********
You've finished wiping and you're about to stand up when you realize it ... you've got to ******** again.
?????
This is a dangerous ********, the kind of ******** that kills people. You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
The High Fibre ********
You've consumed so much fibre, your ******** looks like a stick of fire wood and you loose 2Kg in the process.
The Urgent ********
You'd better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. This kind of ******** usually has it's head peeping out before you can sit down.
Brown Trout ********
This ******** is alive! It jumps out of your arse to hit the water sideways and causes a huge splash that gets your crack all wet.
The Pretender ********
You thought you had to ********, but all you got was a few medium farts for your effort.
The Trick ********
You thought you had a good fart to cut loose, but instead you ******** your pants. Usually happens among friends and where a toilet is no where to be found.
The Spinal Tap ********
You wish you'd had an epidural before starting. You're positive your ******** has turned into solid jagged rock, and you'd swear that it is leaving you sideways. This ******** will sometimes cause injury to your arsehole.
The Beer ********
The kind you have the morning after a long night on the piss. A flood of stinking ******** and tread marks on the bottom of the dunny after you flush.
Crowd Pleaser ********
This ******** is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing. You may even consider photos.
The Toxic Dump ********
This kind of ******** is a runny yellowish-brown liquid and gives off an odor so bad you're afraid to breathe. Your arse is burning so bad that you actually get a mirror to check for damage.
Dambuster ********
One huge explosion of a solid ******** plug followed by a continuous stream of ******** of varying textures and densities. Usually happens when someone is in the stall next to you. Arsehole feels like it went up one size.
The Cable ********
It reaches all the way down the bowl and still is coming out of your arse.
The Acid ********
Occurs the morning after taking two hits of acid and getting the munchies. You're not quite sure what it is you ate, but from the looks of this ********, it must have been a wide range of foods. May come in vivid colors, or might just seem that way. May spend more time admiring ******** than delivering ********.
The Phantom ********
You know you did not ******** today, but yet there is some ******** residue in your pants. Could be caused by klingons from an earlier ********.
The Shower ********
This ******** is where you have your crack all soaped up and suddenly feel a fart coming on ... you know it will sound great with soap in the crack so with one great grunt ... aren't you surprised when a smells load squirts onto the shower floor. Since you are in a confined area, the odor of this ******** just makes you sick.
The Ritual ********
This ******** occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished wih the aid of a newspaper.
The Guiness Book Of World Records ********
A ******** so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
The Olympic ********
This ******** occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's ********.
The Electric KoolAid Acid SplashBack ********
This ******** starts as hot acidy steam, then shoots a cannon shot ******** which makes a loud KERPLUNK! when it hits the water, sending a FireHose Jet of toilet water directly up your gaping asshole before you can clamp it shut!!!!
Skunk ********
A ******** that is so large (See Pop a Vein ********, Spinal Tap ********) that afterbursting your hemorrhoid or tearing your sphincter, like you were giving yourself an episiotomy, it leaves a nice wide bloody red streak down the entire length of your ********.
put s h i t in the blanks, I am too lazy to do it for you
Ghost ********
You feel the ******** come out, you have ******** on the toilet paper, but there's no ******** in the toilet.
Brown Snake ********
This ******** is so long it coils up into cute little circles. This is rare, enjoy.
Rainbow ********
The result of eating too many Skittles.
The ********-or-get-off-the-pot ********
This is where you ******** a little, but it feels like some more wants to come out, so you wait, and wait...Nothing comes out! So you start wiping your arse and as soon as you do, you suddenly feel like you're ready to ******** some more! so you wait and wait... This cycle can repeat itself indefinitely.
Stupid ********
******** that doesn't know how to come out.
Vanishing ********
You ******** but when you look, it's already gone down the toilet. Usually due to the toilet still running rather than the ********.
The Sample ********
Without exception, when your doctor requests a stool sample, you will produce the most foulest, vile, jet-black ******** you have ever shitted in your whole life. This ******** is so violate that plastic containers are at risk of rupturing.
Don't Give a ********: ********
The empty stool sample container that you give to your doctor. Because it just won't come out.
Black Hole ********
******** that comes out in a big black square, and you can swear that it is sucking the light out of the room.
The Mexican Food ********
That hot melting ******** that burns your hole so bad that you can't wipe with the paper, you have to pat it with cool wet pieces.
The Trekkie ********
Those ******** balls that exited but didn't hit the water yet, much like the USS Enterprise, they're stuck around Uranus like Klingons.
Klingon ********
The kind of ******** that won't let go of your arse after the first clump falls off. This kind of ******** makes you have to bounce up and down several times before it will fall off. Usually ends up sticking to other parts of your arse as well.
The Custom Cut ********
That long ****** thick log that doesn't purge out all the way and you can't push it out any further,, and you can't suck it back in, so you have to custom cut it to length! Then work on pushing out the second half.
Shy ********
******** that suddenly hides when someone comes through the door.
Hide and Seek ********
That really nice ******** that you were waiting to take a look at, but realized after you got up, you covered it with paper.
The Wanna Be ********
That kind of ******** you get out after long time and with no crap-cutting, then when you're finished it about 16 inches, then you say :"********, I wish that ******** was my ****!"
The Floater or Cork ********
The piece that floats back up after you have flushed everything else. What does it WANT?
The Heavy Backsplash ********
The kind of ******** that is so hard and heavy it makes a splash that comes up and wets your asshole before it has time to shut! Causes the "shrinking sphincter effect" if the water is very cold. You can't ******** anymore!
The Party Favour ********
Usually happens at someone else's home (usually a gathering of some sort) when you flush and it all comes to the top while you frantically look for a plunger (or something besides your hand) to help it on its way and avoid any embarrassment.
Steroid ********
The ******** so fat and long you have to take a broomstick to it to break it's back to get it round the s bend
The Crippling ********
A ******** so long and tedious your legs become numb from sitting on the toilet, and any attempts of rising from the it will cause you to ******** yourself again.
The Watery Eyes ********
The kinda ******** that stinks so bad you're afraid to let it out, and when you finally do it smells so rank you practically die. PS: Don't do these at home--save them for a friend's house!!!
The "Oh god not here-not now" or "The party ********"
A ******** so horrendously wretched or obnoxious, that when your at a crowded party you fear the guests will notice your vile anal reminiscence.
Beast ********
The kind of ******** which begins growling in your rectum.....peeks out of it's cave......and then attacks with a reckless abandon only seen on wild nature shows.
The "Good Morning Vietnam" ********
This ******** is so hot and wet that you could swear it must be the basis for Napalm. You decide to negotiate supply contracts with the military.
Yellow Submarine ********
This is when you have to pee first while sitting on the can and then hope that it won't be a backsplash ********, but it inevitably it is one of those tapered, high velocity shits that sends the nice warm pee water directly back to the black hole!... "your sphincter"... still open from the launch. The only chance you have to avoid this phenomenon is to have enough fore-site(intuition) and time to do a pre-flush before the actual drop so you get a fresh anal douche instead of the urine splash that you created!
The Three Coil Steamer ********
Self explanatory, a once in a lifetime, run and get the camera ********.
The Chilli ********
The ******** that burns your ****** so bad that you feel it eating away your rectum!
The "don't you dare flush ********"
This is the ******** you walk into a public dunny and see wrapped around the bowl, usually 14" or more long. Looking at it you realize the immense discipline it took not to pinch their arse cheeks while laying it. It is a rare occurance and admired by others.
The Pastey (sticky) ********
This is the type of ******** you have that comes out in a(creamy) pastey texture! Very similar to toothpaste in texture.It is so Pastey(sticky) that when you ******** the ******** does not even drop into the toilet! It just stays there stuck onto your ****** hair!
When you go to wipe your arse with a big wad of toilet paper (which you need)the ******** smears all over your arsehole in the direction that you wiped (very messy). You then realize that you must grab another big wad of toilet paper and waddle over to the sink to wet the paper so you can wipe your arse with a wet towel, once you do that you again must grab another big wad of paper and procced to wipe up the wet ******** leftovers on your hole with some dry paper!!
Chances are that you didn't quite get all the ******** off of your arse and at night when you take your pants off to go to bed, you will smell some funky ********!...You will then look a your jocks and discover a nice skid mark of ******** stained into them!!
Note: "take a shower right away!!" If you don't..and leave the crud on your bum for a couple of days...The ******** will attach, solidify and harden to your butt hairs..and will hurt when you try to pull the little chunks of ******** off of your butt hairs!! >>> If this happens..Take a shower and soften up the ******** under the shower..and slowly ease the ******** off of your butt hair...Doing this without feeling pain takes lots of experience and practice!!
Dinosaur ********
******** so dry and solid you swear it was passed down through generations until you broke the tradition.
Volcano ********
******** that starts as a low growl in your bowels and gives you just enough time to hit the can, often spewing out violently just prior to you hitting the bowl leaving a nice mess to clean up (usually caused by bad restaurant food).
The Teflon ********
You feel ******** come out, see ******** in the bowl, but no ******** on the toilet paper.
The Indelible ********
This ******** has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ****** repeatly (or until raw) and it still doesn't come clean. This ******** leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet and in your Jocks.
The Double Dump ********
You've finished wiping and you're about to stand up when you realize it ... you've got to ******** again.
?????
This is a dangerous ********, the kind of ******** that kills people. You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
The High Fibre ********
You've consumed so much fibre, your ******** looks like a stick of fire wood and you loose 2Kg in the process.
The Urgent ********
You'd better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. This kind of ******** usually has it's head peeping out before you can sit down.
Brown Trout ********
This ******** is alive! It jumps out of your arse to hit the water sideways and causes a huge splash that gets your crack all wet.
The Pretender ********
You thought you had to ********, but all you got was a few medium farts for your effort.
The Trick ********
You thought you had a good fart to cut loose, but instead you ******** your pants. Usually happens among friends and where a toilet is no where to be found.
The Spinal Tap ********
You wish you'd had an epidural before starting. You're positive your ******** has turned into solid jagged rock, and you'd swear that it is leaving you sideways. This ******** will sometimes cause injury to your arsehole.
The Beer ********
The kind you have the morning after a long night on the piss. A flood of stinking ******** and tread marks on the bottom of the dunny after you flush.
Crowd Pleaser ********
This ******** is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing. You may even consider photos.
The Toxic Dump ********
This kind of ******** is a runny yellowish-brown liquid and gives off an odor so bad you're afraid to breathe. Your arse is burning so bad that you actually get a mirror to check for damage.
Dambuster ********
One huge explosion of a solid ******** plug followed by a continuous stream of ******** of varying textures and densities. Usually happens when someone is in the stall next to you. Arsehole feels like it went up one size.
The Cable ********
It reaches all the way down the bowl and still is coming out of your arse.
The Acid ********
Occurs the morning after taking two hits of acid and getting the munchies. You're not quite sure what it is you ate, but from the looks of this ********, it must have been a wide range of foods. May come in vivid colors, or might just seem that way. May spend more time admiring ******** than delivering ********.
The Phantom ********
You know you did not ******** today, but yet there is some ******** residue in your pants. Could be caused by klingons from an earlier ********.
The Shower ********
This ******** is where you have your crack all soaped up and suddenly feel a fart coming on ... you know it will sound great with soap in the crack so with one great grunt ... aren't you surprised when a smells load squirts onto the shower floor. Since you are in a confined area, the odor of this ******** just makes you sick.
The Ritual ********
This ******** occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished wih the aid of a newspaper.
The Guiness Book Of World Records ********
A ******** so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
The Olympic ********
This ******** occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's ********.
The Electric KoolAid Acid SplashBack ********
This ******** starts as hot acidy steam, then shoots a cannon shot ******** which makes a loud KERPLUNK! when it hits the water, sending a FireHose Jet of toilet water directly up your gaping asshole before you can clamp it shut!!!!
Skunk ********
A ******** that is so large (See Pop a Vein ********, Spinal Tap ********) that afterbursting your hemorrhoid or tearing your sphincter, like you were giving yourself an episiotomy, it leaves a nice wide bloody red streak down the entire length of your ********.