GohanSSJ
11-26-2002, 11:09 AM
"There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there.
We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead. They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
There was a Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Irishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Irishman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The Irish fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the English and got slapped for it.'
And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Irish b*stard again.'
An English man, Irishman and Scotsman are on the SAS selection course. They have nearly finished, and having done the Fan Dance, resistance to interrogation and arduous runs, the final part is an interview with the commanding officer. The Englishman is first, he walks into the office and the CO says "You realise as a member of the SAS, you'll be expected to carry out any order regardless of personal feeling?" "Yes sir" he replies. "Good, here is a gun, and your wife is next door I'd like you to go in and kill her!". "What??!! I'm sorry sir, I can't do that said the Englishman". " Well I'm afraid you'll have to leave then". So the Englishman hands in his kit and fails the course. Next in is the Scotsman, who is faced by the same question, and similarly cannot bring himself to do the deed, and consequently he also fails the course. Finally, the Irishman enters the office faced with the same ultimatum, and he readily picks up the gun and heads next door. Suddenly there is lots of noise, screaming and bangs. The CO jumps up from his desk as the Irishman enters the room covered in scratches,, with his clothes ripped. "What the hell happened??!" bellowed the CO. So the Irishman replied "Some fool put blanks in the gun, so I had to strangle her!!!!"
Little Timmy and Little Bobby go to visit their grandmother in the country. They've been brought up in a fairly ill-disciplined household and are prone to swear quite a bit. Anyway after about a solid week of cursing and swearing their grandmother can't take it anymore and goes to see her friend Maude and get some advice.
"What can I do about them swearing?" says the grandmother, "As far as I'm concerned there is only really one thing you can do," says Maude, "next time they swear just hit 'em good and hard and they won't do it again." "I can't do that!" says grandma, shocked at the thought, "they're my grandchildren!" "Look," says Maude, "It'll teach 'em a good lesson mark my words." Anyway Grandma leaves and goes home. The next morning Timmy and Bobby go downstairs to have breakfast.
Grandma says to Bobby, "And what would you like for breakfast?" To which Bobby replies," Give me some of them ****ing cornflakes!" Grandma lashes out with this big swing and knocks Bobby clean out of his chair.
He sits on the ground looking shocked at his grandma. Next Grandma turns to Timmy," and what would you like for breakfast little Timmy?" Timmy looks at his brother and then back to his grandmother and says, "I don't know but you can bet your sweet arse it won't be ****ing cornflakes!"
A Russian, an American and an Irishman are sitting in a bar arguing who has the greatest nation. "Russia is the greatest nation" proclaims the Russian, "We were the first into Orbit" "No way, the USA is the greatest, we were the first on the moon" replies the American proudly. The Irishman then stands up and says, "Ireland are the greatest nation of all, we are going to be the first on the sun" "But you'll be fried you idiot" reply the other two, to which the Irishman retorts..."What do you think we are, stupid? ...We're going at night!"
The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'.
Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job - if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realises that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The hood pulls out a large gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate ."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."
Man walks down the street after exiting the local pub. A drunk staggers past and drops a gold key ring on the floor. The man, being not quite 'with it' himself only realises this after the drunk has disappeared and promptly picks up the key ring. After being on the ground it was, as you'd expect a bit grubby so the man wipes it on his sleeve to shine it up a bit.
To the man's surprise a genie appears from nowhere...."Right then lad, you know the crack. You get one wish for setting me free". "Oh right erm well ....... I know, I'm a big fan of motor racing so can I have a major motorway route between all the tracks in England.
That'll be grand!!" "Nay lad, do you know how many men I'll have to take on to do that, all the materials and overheads. The logistics would be a nightmare. ''Ave a think, there must be something else you could wish for, what do you think it is, making demands like that?!!" The man thinks long and hard before his reply.
"OK then smart arse, I want you to tell me how a woman's mind works."
The Genie stands back in amazement on the challenge put before him. After careful thinking and consideration the Genie replies. "How many lanes do you want?"
Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is. Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.
Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?" To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that" and then sends him to his room.
On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse.
When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"
A little boy is failing maths at school and his parents are despairing of what to do about it. They've tried everything - extra homework, private tutors, special teaching methods, nothing works. So as a last resort they send him off to an exclusive Catholic school. At the end of his first day, the little boy comes home, goes straight to his room and starts working away at his math’s homework.
This goes on every night until the end of the term, when the boy brings home his report. With some trepidation his parents open it and discover that their son has got an A+ in maths. Delighted they run up to his room to congratulate him, "What was it that did it for you?
The teachers? Their methods? Prayer?" The little boy shakes his head, "No, it was when I first went in and saw some bloke nailed to a plus sign, then I knew they were serious."
A Boy and his dad are at a drugstore. They walk past the condom display and the boy asks, "Dad what are those for?" The dad replies, "Son they're for safe sex."
The little boy then asks why one box has only 3 condoms. The dad answers, "Because that is for high school boys. One for Friday night, one for Saturday night, and one for Sunday night." The boy then inquires why another box has 6 condoms. The dad explains that it is for college boys. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday night. The boy sees another box of condoms with 12 and asks his dad why. The dad says, "Son that is for married men. One for January, one for February....
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "DAMN! That's the ugliest ****in' baby I've EVER seen!" In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed. The man sympathised and said, "Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers." "You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey!"
I hope you liked them, i also got more very good jokes but as i thought and Mntsnow comfirmed it they are not viewable for some of the younger members, but if you want to see them tell me in this topic and i will pm them to you :)
We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead. They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
There was a Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Irishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Irishman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The Irish fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the English and got slapped for it.'
And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Irish b*stard again.'
An English man, Irishman and Scotsman are on the SAS selection course. They have nearly finished, and having done the Fan Dance, resistance to interrogation and arduous runs, the final part is an interview with the commanding officer. The Englishman is first, he walks into the office and the CO says "You realise as a member of the SAS, you'll be expected to carry out any order regardless of personal feeling?" "Yes sir" he replies. "Good, here is a gun, and your wife is next door I'd like you to go in and kill her!". "What??!! I'm sorry sir, I can't do that said the Englishman". " Well I'm afraid you'll have to leave then". So the Englishman hands in his kit and fails the course. Next in is the Scotsman, who is faced by the same question, and similarly cannot bring himself to do the deed, and consequently he also fails the course. Finally, the Irishman enters the office faced with the same ultimatum, and he readily picks up the gun and heads next door. Suddenly there is lots of noise, screaming and bangs. The CO jumps up from his desk as the Irishman enters the room covered in scratches,, with his clothes ripped. "What the hell happened??!" bellowed the CO. So the Irishman replied "Some fool put blanks in the gun, so I had to strangle her!!!!"
Little Timmy and Little Bobby go to visit their grandmother in the country. They've been brought up in a fairly ill-disciplined household and are prone to swear quite a bit. Anyway after about a solid week of cursing and swearing their grandmother can't take it anymore and goes to see her friend Maude and get some advice.
"What can I do about them swearing?" says the grandmother, "As far as I'm concerned there is only really one thing you can do," says Maude, "next time they swear just hit 'em good and hard and they won't do it again." "I can't do that!" says grandma, shocked at the thought, "they're my grandchildren!" "Look," says Maude, "It'll teach 'em a good lesson mark my words." Anyway Grandma leaves and goes home. The next morning Timmy and Bobby go downstairs to have breakfast.
Grandma says to Bobby, "And what would you like for breakfast?" To which Bobby replies," Give me some of them ****ing cornflakes!" Grandma lashes out with this big swing and knocks Bobby clean out of his chair.
He sits on the ground looking shocked at his grandma. Next Grandma turns to Timmy," and what would you like for breakfast little Timmy?" Timmy looks at his brother and then back to his grandmother and says, "I don't know but you can bet your sweet arse it won't be ****ing cornflakes!"
A Russian, an American and an Irishman are sitting in a bar arguing who has the greatest nation. "Russia is the greatest nation" proclaims the Russian, "We were the first into Orbit" "No way, the USA is the greatest, we were the first on the moon" replies the American proudly. The Irishman then stands up and says, "Ireland are the greatest nation of all, we are going to be the first on the sun" "But you'll be fried you idiot" reply the other two, to which the Irishman retorts..."What do you think we are, stupid? ...We're going at night!"
The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'.
Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job - if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realises that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The hood pulls out a large gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate ."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."
Man walks down the street after exiting the local pub. A drunk staggers past and drops a gold key ring on the floor. The man, being not quite 'with it' himself only realises this after the drunk has disappeared and promptly picks up the key ring. After being on the ground it was, as you'd expect a bit grubby so the man wipes it on his sleeve to shine it up a bit.
To the man's surprise a genie appears from nowhere...."Right then lad, you know the crack. You get one wish for setting me free". "Oh right erm well ....... I know, I'm a big fan of motor racing so can I have a major motorway route between all the tracks in England.
That'll be grand!!" "Nay lad, do you know how many men I'll have to take on to do that, all the materials and overheads. The logistics would be a nightmare. ''Ave a think, there must be something else you could wish for, what do you think it is, making demands like that?!!" The man thinks long and hard before his reply.
"OK then smart arse, I want you to tell me how a woman's mind works."
The Genie stands back in amazement on the challenge put before him. After careful thinking and consideration the Genie replies. "How many lanes do you want?"
Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is. Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.
Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?" To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that" and then sends him to his room.
On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse.
When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"
A little boy is failing maths at school and his parents are despairing of what to do about it. They've tried everything - extra homework, private tutors, special teaching methods, nothing works. So as a last resort they send him off to an exclusive Catholic school. At the end of his first day, the little boy comes home, goes straight to his room and starts working away at his math’s homework.
This goes on every night until the end of the term, when the boy brings home his report. With some trepidation his parents open it and discover that their son has got an A+ in maths. Delighted they run up to his room to congratulate him, "What was it that did it for you?
The teachers? Their methods? Prayer?" The little boy shakes his head, "No, it was when I first went in and saw some bloke nailed to a plus sign, then I knew they were serious."
A Boy and his dad are at a drugstore. They walk past the condom display and the boy asks, "Dad what are those for?" The dad replies, "Son they're for safe sex."
The little boy then asks why one box has only 3 condoms. The dad answers, "Because that is for high school boys. One for Friday night, one for Saturday night, and one for Sunday night." The boy then inquires why another box has 6 condoms. The dad explains that it is for college boys. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday night. The boy sees another box of condoms with 12 and asks his dad why. The dad says, "Son that is for married men. One for January, one for February....
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "DAMN! That's the ugliest ****in' baby I've EVER seen!" In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed. The man sympathised and said, "Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers." "You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey!"
I hope you liked them, i also got more very good jokes but as i thought and Mntsnow comfirmed it they are not viewable for some of the younger members, but if you want to see them tell me in this topic and i will pm them to you :)